i'm signing you up for texting rehab
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
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