I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
