Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Randomize
