So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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