I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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