I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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