Kiss
Puke
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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