Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
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