New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
