i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
