I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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