the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
