Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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