How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Randomize
