I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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