found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
her facebook's as public as her vagina
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
