I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
