you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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