I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
