I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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