i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I am one with the molecules
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
