I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
