You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
