I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
