Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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