I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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