He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
is that a dick in a sweater?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Randomize
