Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
