When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Is Oprah even human
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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