I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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