Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
