You made me cry and you don't even care
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
