Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
