so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
