OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
