fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
