I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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