i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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