I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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