The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
