Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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