Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
