even my farts smell like vagina
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
