did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Just cropdusted the office
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
