i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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