im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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