I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
