just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Someone signed my nipple.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
