I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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