ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
