At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
