So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Is Oprah even human
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
