Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
