I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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