walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
