My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
